


The Only Moment We Were Alone

by sangha



Series: We Mend Ourselves [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, F/M, Internalized Biphobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, The great bisexuality crisis of 1940
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-21 21:10:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3704905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sangha/pseuds/sangha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It became much harder to ignore the way he wanted to look at Bucky. He found himself staring sometimes and hoping Bucky hadn’t noticed. Technically, he knew what that made him. How could he not, living in this neighborhood? But that did not explain why he felt the same way about women.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Only Moment We Were Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Based on [this](http://bisexualsteverogersnetwork.tumblr.com/post/107507078751/mpreg-tony-moriarteay-spit-polished-steelt) and [this](http://bisexualsteverogersnetwork.tumblr.com/post/86348771721/freckledbuttchester-do-you-ever-think-about)

Steve had known for a long time now that there was something different about him. He had known that since the winter of 1940, after his mother died. Steve had insisted he was fine on his own, but of course Bucky had seen right through him. Bucky moved Steve’s things to his apartment a couple of days later and that was that. 

“This isn’t so bad, huh?” Bucky had said. Steve’s things, which did not amount to much, had been placed alongside Bucky’s in the small apartment. It wasn’t roomy, but it was enough for them. 

He could never put into words how much Bucky’s actions meant to him. Even though he’d tried to push Bucky away, his best friend had known exactly what he’d needed in that moment, which was to not be alone. But he also knew that bringing that up would inevitably lead to tears and that was the last thing he wanted. “Yeah, except that I’ll have to look at your ugly mug every morning,” Steve said, by way of avoiding any conversation involving emotions.

Bucky snorted. “Well, I’m definitely not going to be the one sleeping on the couch tonight.” Steve’s bed couldn’t fit in the apartment and until they found another solution, they had agreed to take turns sleeping on the couch. Of course, Bucky had suggested Steve take the bed, but Steve was not about to give in to Bucky’s overprotectiveness, so they’d settled on the compromise instead. 

They settled into a routine easily. Bucky worked long hours and so did Steve, as long as his health allowed it. Steve was infinitely grateful he had someone to come home to every day. The company made his loss more bearable. 

After a month or so, it did become much harder to ignore the way he wanted to look at Bucky. He found himself staring sometimes and hoping Bucky hadn’t noticed. Technically, he knew what that made him. How could he not, living in this neighborhood? Nobody talked about it openly, but there were certain bars close to where they lived that had a reputation for entertaining inverts. Not to mention the frequency with which he would walk by an alley, only to hear two distinctly male voices grunting and moaning. But that did not explain why he felt the same way about women. Society had all kinds of explanations for homosexuality: they were ill, their genders were “inverted,” they were a creation of the devil. Nobody talked about people like him. Steve wondered if his was such an uncommon affliction it didn’t merit mentioning. Though he did not want to believe this made him a sick person, it was hard not to reason that his body was simply betraying him in yet another way. This was just another condition he had to deal with. 

He was determined not to lose his friendship with Bucky, so he kept his feelings to himself. For years, he acted as normally as he could, dreading every time he inevitably left a fight the worse for wear and Bucky’s steady hands would clean every wound. By the time the war started, he hoped maybe the army could somehow fix him, but then he’d been denied and Bucky was going to war without him.  
Steve didn’t hesitate a moment to take Dr. Erskine’s offer. Any opportunity to prove himself was an opportunity he’d seize with both hands. He looked forward to basic training, hoping to finally make his body listen to him and though it was incredibly hard, he never gave in. More than anything, he was grateful to have met Peggy on that first day, watching her anger flare up over some private disrespecting her, almost as if her own anger took her by surprise. He admired her for everything that she stood for and felt a connection to her he’d never felt before. She respected him even though by all rights he shouldn’t be in the army, and he did the same for her. She taught him how to fight, how to use his size to his advantage. He felt himself wanting to be in her presence as much as possible.

For a short while, thoughts of Bucky were pushed to the back of his mind. Eventually though, he’d spend many of his nights thinking of Bucky again, missing his stupid jokes and his awful tendency to act like an overprotective mother hen. 

When Dr. Erskine explained that the serum would cure him of all his ailments, Steve was equal parts excited and worried at the prospect of becoming normal. Excited, because then he could finally live and love like a normal human being and focus all his attention on Peggy. Worried, because, despite knowing it was wrong, he didn’t want to lose his feelings for Bucky. It was selfish, but he had loved Bucky for so long that taking that away from him was like removing a part of him. 

As he expected, after the serum, he felt healthier than he ever remembered feeling. He could breathe without trouble and the various pains he constantly lived with were suddenly gone. 

And yet, his feelings for Bucky remained unchanged. He wondered if the serum could not cure everything, but he could not ask Dr. Erskine anymore. For as long as he could remember, feelings like his were viewed as an illness; something to be examined and eventually cured. Scientists all agreed that something had gone wrong in the development of these people, which caused their “inverted” attraction. But the serum was supposed to get rid of any and all ailments, so maybe this was an illness that simply couldn’t be cured. Or maybe this wasn’t an illness at all. Maybe all those scientists and doctors had been wrong.

Steve kept all these thoughts to himself, though he desperately wished he could talk to someone. He suspected Dr. Erskine would not have judged him; he’d seemed like a kind man who would have been willing to explain anything Steve did not understand. With Dr. Erskine gone, he had nobody to turn to. Peggy was not an option; he would not risk scaring her off. After months on tour, he finally concluded that whatever the serum could or could not do, his feelings for Bucky would not be changed through any medical solution. He’d just have to live with it. 

\---

Waking up in the future was bizarre. He spent far too much time in his new apartment, in a city he barely recognized. He was all alone, unchanged, while the rest of the world had moved on without him. Of the Howling Commandos, only Dum Dum, Gabe, and Dernier still lived. He’d been eager to visit them, but when he’d seen their faced and realized just how much time had passed, he only felt worse. Peggy was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. It hurt to see such a vibrant mind beginning to decay. At least he was glad to see she had moved on and had married another man some years after the war. 

The Avengers Initiative had introduced him to some fellow outcasts, but he was more likely to call them allies than friends. At least, until Natasha decided to make it her personal mission to not only get to know him better, but also to set him up on a date. He was a bit baffled by her efforts, mostly because he couldn’t imagine himself in a relationship. The two loves of his life were out of reach and though, to the rest of the world, that loss happened 70 years ago, to him it was still fresh. He was still in the process of grieving over Bucky, still recovering from never having been able to even take Peggy on a date when he had had thoughts of marrying her. 

Ever since coming out of the ice, Steve had done his best to get with the times. While on a mission with Clint, he had spotted two men kissing each other chastely, just a peck on the lips, in public. “Is that a normal thing now?” Steve had asked, shocked.

“Aw man, just when I thought you were the coolest guy ever. Yeah, that’s normal now, so reign in the homophobic comments,” Clint had said, a slight edge to his voice.

“No, I mean, that…that’s good,” Steve had replied, sounding strangled. They had been quiet for a while, Clint throwing him worried looks every now and then. “It’s just, a person could get arrested for doing that,” he continued, having felt the need to explain himself. “I didn’t think I’d ever see two people like that, not worried about getting beaten up or arrested or something.”

“Oh, right. You know, it’s not like all problems are solved now or anything. But I guess it is a lot better now than it was then. I just sort of assumed you had a problem with it from the way you asked that question, sorry about that.”

Steve had shaken his head. “No worries. It wouldn’t have been an unlikely response. I was just surprised though.”

“You should add Brokeback Mountain to that list of yours. Probably the most well-known gay movie out there,” Clint had suggested.

Steve had pulled the tiny notebook from his pocket and added the title to the ever-growing list. “Thanks.”

Not long after that, in an extremely frustrating lesson filled with snarky comments about Steve’s supposed age, Tony had shown him how to use the internet. To Tony’s mild surprise, Steve had caught on quite quickly and Steve hadn’t even tried to hide his smug smile. From that moment on, Google had become his best friend. He read up on all major events since 1945, while also trying to consume as much pop culture as humanly possible in between missions. He watched Brokeback Mountain, excited by the fact a movie like this could become a mainstream hit, while also saddened by the story. He discovered there was a name for people like him after all: bisexual. Science had long since rejected the idea that homosexual attraction was an illness. He felt relieved to know that not only were there plenty of others like him, the vast majority of people would also not try to cure him. 

So by the time Natasha was trying to set him up on dates with women, he considered coming out to her. He had never actually voiced his feelings to anyone, not even to the therapist SHIELD forced him to meet with every week. He didn’t want to talk about his sexuality in any clinical context. He’d spent far too much time fearing doctors and scientists with regards to this topic to feel comfortable with that, even if he knew his therapist would not judge him. 

It was hard to find the right time though. Wanting her to know and actually saying the words were two very different things. He kept putting it off, until they both became fugitives from SHIELD and had to hide at Sam’s place. Natasha was more vulnerable than Steve had ever seen her when she asked him if he would trust her to save his life. If he could honestly answer yes to that question, how could he have any doubts about trusting her with any other part of him?

After breakfast, as they were going over the details of the plan while Sam was out, getting some supplies they needed, Natasha suggested another date. “What about Anna? Pretty sure she’s single.”

Steve took a deep breath. “Maybe you should add some guys to your list of suggestions.”

Natasha’s eyes widened just a little, but other than that, she kept her face neutral. She huffed and said, “Fucking hell, Rogers, you’re telling me there’s an entire demographic available to you I haven’t even tapped into?” She immediately started listing names of guys she knew were into guys, but Steve wasn’t listening. He still wasn’t really interested in dating anyone at the moment, but he liked this little game of theirs. He appreciated that Natasha was concerned enough about his loneliness and this was her way to do something about it. She didn’t seem to realize her company, as a friend, would reduce his loneliness significantly, with or without a date. His heart was still pounding in his chest, but a tightness had finally left his chest. 

\--- 

After the bridge, once Natasha’s wound was tended to, Steve sat with her for a while. “So…Bucky,” she began carefully. “You wanna talk about it?”

He shrugged. He didn’t know what to say. Just when he’d finally been working through his grief, everything came crashing down again. “I loved him,” he said, after a long silence. “I love him,” he corrected himself. He suspected she’d already guessed anyway.

She nodded. “Did he know?”

Steve shook his head. “Never told him. Never told anyone, actually. Until now,” he finished, with a sad smile.

Natasha looked a little shocked to be the first person he’d confided in. “I’m sorry, Steve,” she said softly.

“Yeah. Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> My [tumblr](http://www.hufflepuffbuckybarnes.tumblr.com)


End file.
